Lost love 17.02.11

Love now looks a lot different to me. It is something that doesn’t last and morphs into new and unfamiliar forms between two or more people (Or, why not love within one person, for her- or himself?) My self-love? How has it changed? I have given myself more freedom and more of a voice. I have found it in Ordnung for me to push someone away from me if they are too close. I have decided to do, in the most part, what comes “naturally” to me. Stop with this bullshit proscribing about what is the responsible or the “right” thing to do as a citizen, a white woman, an American, an intelligent person—I believe they all describe me. I am intelligent in so far as I am open and I listen and I want to be fair and experience what I can.
My love for others—the Puritanical background, the idea of denial of something, of declaring something off-limits and inaccessible, forbidden. The beauty of declaring something OFF limits and not right. How beautiful, the struggle, the pain, the desire that builds up. It was not without purpose that I did that, was it?
Why choose certain forbidden pleasures over others?

I search through intellectual or “logical” steps in order to rid myself of pain, of regret or loss. Because-could it be true- I trust this in myself or in the structure of a logical argument or progression of thoughts toward a “solution”. Even though it is not always a solution, it can resemble one.

There is the joy and the pain, these two words I use in with the formulation of joy of love, of kindness, newness, excitement and openness. And Pain. Pain is of the promises entered into unawares of the outcome, and simply accepting that the outcome was unknowable.
We can all hope for something meaningful… meaningful that we can hold up as evidence to others or, most importantly, for ourselves, and say, “Look, I am loved. I have a partner devoted.”