most important things in my life

3 November 2008
What I think about emotions driving me crazy…
I value the craziness and unpredictability of life and chance…
One of the most important things in my life is conversation and mystery. Wordplay, suspicions of desire, and thinking of fulfilling desires, but they go on…they nag…they cause me to run for miles… now that I am in a “stable” environment in Germany, I start to look back ( a week ago, 6 months ago..) and truly believe that I have had mania, unstoppable, and unbearable… And the things I could have done with it now seep into my mind.
Mystery I refer to is the unfulfilled desire. There is no mystery of intention on many levels because I seek to clarify if my desires are well-placed. And then I confide or I hide my face or I face the other head-on, not knowing for sure if I will decline and take the “higher” ground.
A way of ascending past this emotional, strenuous and mysterious game is to make art. I do believe. One can set up one’s own performance, and some people will watch. And there’s a catharsis in the fantasy. The hysterical is possible in society, in company, not alone or by oneself, but sharing…
The conversation that goes on and on, with others giving and…and receiving and responding. Sympathy without dishonesty; a sort of love without dependence..in fact it feels like utter independence, yet with support. You can feel it building throughout a conversation. And I felt this relief, catharsis before, and it can never be planned or orchestrated fully. So much is chance.