This life gets so lonely.
Its not just a loneliness I thought I could always concieve of. Its too, too mysterious. It doesnt leave one alone. One can be so happy-- a future and possibilities within reach, a partner to trust, friendships, stability of certain core kinds--and then absolutely lonely.
I never thought life could be this way. I thought I would not have to live like this--a cycle of bravery and fear in the face of endlessness. Endless life; or endless threat of loneliness. The bravery comes more often, but the fear is what can be most vividly remembered. I am not known for relishing my triumphs, a flaw in my character which cannot be easily eradicated. I vividly recall hopelessness...no matter what I do, there is always the loneliness. Sometime manifesting itself as alone time, which is positive and can be exceedingly productive.
I go through brave phases: informing my friends of my sadness or since of futility, and asking them about how they deal with similar feelings, or if they have them. The brave phases are not "pure"--they have fear streaked throughout them. The streaks of fear bring about a frustrated anger in me which results in a real striking effort to brave the unknown. This results in art, extensive physical exercise, something meaningful done in public, some confession, a breakdown. Whatever it is, it is a breakthrough, an epiphany, a relief, and a passion. Someone learns something...I get something off or take something on.
I started writing this because I have been thinking a lot about those I have been close to in the past, but whom I have not seen in a year or so, and wonder what it really means in friendships to be separate and come together, and then to separate. I never showed what I wanted to show to some people. And now the particulars become cloudy.
Germany is a lonely place for me. Whether it's really Germany and the people around me or whether it's my reaction to my environment..my own chemistry. Whatever the case, the chemistry is not there..at least not in Hannover.
Running and crying at the same time is more difficult than having smoken some cigarettes and then running. Give me a heartattack either way.
Posts
