“Auseinandersetzung” my Performance from April

“Auseinandersetzung” Performance action description
The artist enters the performance space. She wears a costume of three levels of plastic tubing, connected with thin clear plastic string. Over the tubing and string, layers of gauze bandages have been sewn loosely. This costume is worn over a thin cotton sleeveless dress or slip. Around the artist’s mouth and lower part of the face, gauze is wrapped. Her arms can barely be seen inside the tube structure, which is knee-length.
The artist turns on music of Fairuz and, before the beamed projection of a Powerpoint presentation of her work and diaries, she begins to move in a very reluctant, but bouncy, manner. At the other end of the performance area sit four large sculptures depicting body parts- some easily deciphered (like a large yellow hand), another more ambiguous (a green nose shape or a truncated penis shape?) all brightly colored in an arrangement on the floor. The artist picks different body parts off the floor, dances with them or inspects them.
While this action is taking place, blood red color gradually appears on the gauze wrapped around the artist’s mouth and color comes out from inside the tube gauze structure around her body. Drops of it fall on the floor and on the sculptures as she begins to dance faster and with less reluctance, even twirling around.
When Fairuz’s song is over (ca. 3 minutes), the artist takes a microphone and sits in the first row with the audience, clears her throat, and starts the sequence of images from the Powerpoint presentation. The space is quiet as she clears her throat and readjusts herself. Images from artworks of the artist are projected on the white wall where she had previously been performing. People, selb-portraits, and images with only text alternate; like an introduction to her work and her experiences. The text is translated from the English into German, describing several experiences she had during her two years living in Shanghai. She reads aloud from the text slides in calm and controlled, yet anxious, voice.
As the last images are projected, the artist stands and walks to the CD player and begins playing Bai Kwong’s haunting remixed ballad __. The last slide is all red and the artist remains standing in front of the red surface, music playing, and her white gauze and cotton ensemble smeared and spotted with purple-ish red drops. She exits.

aus•ei•n•ạn•der•set•zen
I. (mit OBJ)
1. jmd. setzt jmdn. auseinander getrennt von einander setzen Die Lehrerin setzte die Schüler auseinander.
2. jmd. setzt jmdm. etwas Akk. auseinander darlegen, erklären jemandem seine Probleme auseinandersetzen
II. (mit SICH)
1. jmd. setzt sich auseinander sich auf verschiedene Plätze setzen Sie standen auf und setzten sich auseinander.
2. jmd. setzt sich mit etwas Dat. auseinander über etwas (intensiv) nachdenken, sich mit etwas beschäftigen Er hat sich mit dem gesamten Problem auseinandergesetzt.
3. jmd. setzt sich mit jmdm. auseinander sich mit jemandem streiten, diskutieren Wegen dieser Sachen setzt er sich regelmäßig mit seinem Nachbarn auseinander.

to throw one’s decorated body into the gears of a war machine

“…citizenship can entail more than production, consumption, or even voting—indeed this performance demonstrates that it can be fulfilling, empowering and even enjoyable to throw one’s decorated body into the gears of a war machine, to interrupt the hegemonologue of a corporation or regime...”
(Shepard, Bogad & Duncombe “Performing vs. the Insurmountable” 2008 paraphrasing Bogad, “Place,” 2005; “Upstaging,” 2007)

The inappropriate (mothers and fathers)

The inappropriate (mothers and fathers) What is their concentration?

I see parents in the park with their children. The fathers and mothers (or shall I just write men and women?); fathers in one area, mothers in another. Collective segregating..momentary but subconscious or not?
How much do they interact, if they do indeed interact? How is this seen from their perspectives?
What IS the idea of mother and father, when one actually becomes one? How does this get acted out for each individual trying to do the best…their best for them? The children?
What interests me more is the idea of attraction between/among mothers/fathers of different children. Is the erotic still there for many? How is erotic love seen and acted out? How does the child come or not come between adults and pleasure? How is desire for egoistic exhibition or lust hindered, encouraged, aggravated or deadened?
These boundaries are not so strong in my mind. Surely, they cannot be. Love for a child or love for a woman or man or erotic love for the friend or lust for the stranger… are there not elements of all of these feelings within each other? Can they possibly function together? (All the questions are for me or rhetorical.)

This quote is one that I can remember thinking already while walking down a street anywhere.

“...if we can ‘look the negative in the face and live with it,‘ then we can achieve a truly magical power“ and “convert the negative into being…“
(Marshall Berman using Hegel in New York Calling: From Blackout to Bloomberg)
What this says to me is that it refers exactly to what happens when one searches for ways to overcome depression, mania, intense feelings that drive one into a silent, internal frenzy. After years of flirting around with the concept of somehow “becoming” a productive citizen that fits a profile, I give up and become myself by looking directly at my obsessions and hang-ups and now desiring to lay them out completely.
I have scenarios ready to enact, artwork ready to be presented spontaneously, and questions I am dying to ask people around me. But, this is no change in me. I have always had these sensations. I have just now built up enough examples of things going my way when I am honest and direct with people around me…especially when I share with people—my opinions, my life experiences, my worries…
INSIDE What this means for me, what can I “look in the face and live with”? I can look at my past really clearly, as clearly as any person can self-reflect with time. I can see how fragile I was, so shy, so self-protective, and non-communicative with people. I did not know how to love people, and I think sometimes I still do not. Only now can I sit back and let things happen between me and those I love, instead of orchestrating or bulldozing over what they might say. I do not want to cower behind the idea of being mysterious (read: unknown) to others.
So, the entrenched second language has done me in, taught me a lesson. Now I am desperate to be understood in German. Not just to be understood, I also long for my personality to come through. I face the negativity of being an outsider in a country I expected to fit in relatively easily. I have had to see directly what I did not communicate well, and watch as others do it better. But, by facing this challenge and learning, not being discouraged, I realize after all that no one has been saying what I have wanted to say. No one can say what I want to say.
OUTSIDE Around me, what can I look directly in the face and live with? “Live with” is, for me, to accept that certain things exist and occur, but I do not accept them in and of themselves. I do not want to be separated from what is around me. I cannot live in a walled community and I cannot have only friends who fit my background and up-bringing. This is a perfectly liberal thing to say, but I do not want to exercise the right of choosing and preventing anyone from anything (in practice this is perhaps not easily done, but I hold onto the idea, the spirit).
But, there is a radical point, I believe, to which this idea should be taken. It should be taken with a gender studies-like flexibility. Flexible judgments without conclusions that limit interaction and catharsis.
This quote is one that I can remember thinking already while walking down a street anywhere. From the days of feeling extreme agoraphobia, until now when occasionally I will be hit with the notion that anything can happen to me now, in “public”. On the street, in the dark, on a train. Anyone sees me; I also see anyone who I chose to stare at. (I must insist on seeing more often.) Anyone can hit me, can touch me, can yell at me. Alternatively, anyone can hand me a flyer, kiss me, smile at me.
Every action has its ulterior motive…and this is one negative that one must accept.
I accept that anything can happen. I accept that terrible things go on in the dark. What I mean by “accept” is that I can acknowledge their existence without simultaneously trying to banish them from my thoughts.
Strength, this “power” IS to know what is going on; to know as much as possible about what is “going on”.

Goodbye to old headings

30 Nyit 9423
The Cultural Myths Created from Gradual, Steady, and Built-up Social Suffering

And I wonder...between proclamations and uncertainty or insecurity.
What do I have? Do I speak in the passive form of the language? (Quiet screams, quiet screams...)
Allow me to demonstrate my job, my production... Compare...Simply judge.
I never received any instruction manuals; I just stopped producing.
The body can be read--when it's stretched out...
The halt of production begins the suffering.

Loneliness

This life gets so lonely.
Its not just a loneliness I thought I could always concieve of. Its too, too mysterious. It doesnt leave one alone. One can be so happy-- a future and possibilities within reach, a partner to trust, friendships, stability of certain core kinds--and then absolutely lonely.
I never thought life could be this way. I thought I would not have to live like this--a cycle of bravery and fear in the face of endlessness. Endless life; or endless threat of loneliness. The bravery comes more often, but the fear is what can be most vividly remembered. I am not known for relishing my triumphs, a flaw in my character which cannot be easily eradicated. I vividly recall hopelessness...no matter what I do, there is always the loneliness. Sometime manifesting itself as alone time, which is positive and can be exceedingly productive.
I go through brave phases: informing my friends of my sadness or since of futility, and asking them about how they deal with similar feelings, or if they have them. The brave phases are not "pure"--they have fear streaked throughout them. The streaks of fear bring about a frustrated anger in me which results in a real striking effort to brave the unknown. This results in art, extensive physical exercise, something meaningful done in public, some confession, a breakdown. Whatever it is, it is a breakthrough, an epiphany, a relief, and a passion. Someone learns something...I get something off or take something on.
I started writing this because I have been thinking a lot about those I have been close to in the past, but whom I have not seen in a year or so, and wonder what it really means in friendships to be separate and come together, and then to separate. I never showed what I wanted to show to some people. And now the particulars become cloudy.
Germany is a lonely place for me. Whether it's really Germany and the people around me or whether it's my reaction to my environment..my own chemistry. Whatever the case, the chemistry is not there..at least not in Hannover.
Running and crying at the same time is more difficult than having smoken some cigarettes and then running. Give me a heartattack either way.

Ő Œ œ Ŕ ŧ Ŗ ř Ŭ Ś ś Ŝ ŝ Ş ş Š Ţ Ť Ŧ ŧ Ũ ũ Ū Ŭ ŭ Ů ů Ű ű Ų ų Ŵ Ǻ ǻ Ǽ ŵ Ŷ ŷ Ÿ Ź ź Ż ż Ž ž ſ ƒ ǽ Ǿ Ș ș Ț ț Ά Έ Ή Ώ ΐ Α Β Γ Δ Ε Ζ Η Θ Ι Κ Λ Μ Ν Ξ Ο Π Ρ Σ Τ Υ Φ Χ Ψ Ω Ϊ Ϋ ά έ ή ί ΰ α β γ δ ε ζ η θ κ λ μ ν ξ π ρ ς σ τ φ χ ψ υ χ ω ώ ύ ϋ Ѐ Ё Ђ Ѓ Є Ѕ Ї Ј Љ Њ Ћ Ќ Ѝ Ў Џ А Б В Г Д Е Ж З И К Л М Н О П Р С Т У Ф Ц Ч Ш Щ Ъ Ы Ь Э Ю Я б в г д е ж з й к л п ц ч ш щ ъ ы ю э я ѐ ђ ё ѓ є і ї ј љ њ ћ ќ ѝ Ѣ ў ѣ Ѳ ѳ Ѵ ѵ Ґ Ẁ Ẃ Ẅ Ỳ † ‡ ” ‰ … ‽ ⁄ € ℅ ℓ № ℗ ℠ ™ ℮ ⅓ ⅔ ⅕ ⅖ ⅗ ⅘ ⅙ ⅚ ⅛ ⅝ ⅟ ↑ ↔ ↓ ↖ ↗ ↙ ∂ ∆ ∏ ∑ − √ ∞ ∫ ≈ ≠ ≤ ≥ ◊ ff fi fl ffi ffl e^x = 1 + ( x)/1! + x^2/2! + x^3/3! + …,-∞ا‎ ـﺎ‎ ـﺎ‎ ا‎
ﺏ‎ ـب‎ ـبـ‎ بـ‎
ﺕ‎ ـت‎ ـتـ‎ تـ‎
ﺙ‎ ـث‎ ـثـ‎ ثـ‎
ﺝ‎ ـج‎ ـجـ‎ جـ‎
ﺡ‎ ـح‎ ـحـ‎ حـ‎

Human desparation becomes violent, ( and desolation of the suburbs)

DESOLATION in conflict zones, another DESOLATION in the insolated, dictated suburbs
There are the people who make up a society, a country. And there is a government body, some system of organization, however precarious or strict. Most people just want to live their lives in relative peace and an extent of freedoms: Movement, association, speech. Privacy and room for something sacred to themselves. It is when these possibilities are disrupted, taken away, or simply never present that people become more desparate for their expression of frustration and/or lack of freedoms and privacy and peace. Desparation for entire swathes of people can be seen in their violence or striking out for attention, help, to relieve themselves of the intense stress and strain of a policed, limited, censored lifestyle or slavery or living under violence with limited movement and lack of security of ANYthing.
People are very resilient, patient, can put up with a lot of stress and trouble. People can resist the urge for striking out, for attacking what is tormenting them; whatever they perceive to be tormenting them.
Violence can then function like a mechanism for fraternity. This means that, through collective violent acts and an immerging realization of those with similar frustration and desparation are publically or on some scale revealing their frustration, can bring a group together. When no other inspiration is available, when every other avenue appears to be closed off or destroyed, when there is nothing left to do but die, human beings still search for their „kind“, those that share their feelings.
Levels of comfort and well-being influence, of course, the extent of violence or destruction that can result from desparation of groups of people. Americans, for example, generally have a certain level of living that provides food and shelter. Unfortunately, many American communities, particularly newly-built cities and suburbs, lack public space and areas for people to meet and see eachother. This lack of social contact between groups (lack of spontaneous meetings, unplanned connection) and, I argue, contribute to a lack of essential human contact between people of different income levels, backgrounds, and additionally contributes to a sense of not having the ability to contact others, a desparation for human contact. So, I say, there is a desolation not far from the American mind, my American upbringing. Desolation of another kind exists in conflict or war zones. Desolation is also the strip-malls, the long, wide parkways, all drivers trapped in their own cars, communicating with only their horns and driving actions. (This was not meant to be about me, but this is what I know. ) One’s own perceived „land of the free“ is another’s desolation.
**Many American cities have old centers and newer suburbs. Many city centers are not inhabited, but are places of work and office buildings, places of business. In Memphis, where I come from, the term „white flight“ came into the vocabulary since the 80’s to describe the white population in the city moving to the ever-expanding suburbs due to a perception of increased crime and lack of safety. In these suburbs, people do not walk places; they must drive. The cities and suburbs, for the most part, are built for cars and not humans.
**I have this feeling in Germany. When I feel sealed off at home, or anywhere, even running (in my trance), I do crave a feeling of togetherness or simply being/mulling around with people in the city center. I go and sit down and people are moving around me. There is nothing like this feeling of just being around others; you do not have to talk to them, sit with them, know them. Just to have them there, you know you are a human like them. In Memphis (dare I extend this tot he rest oft he country) there are malls, indoors, and sports events.
Perhaps I could call this the „Red State condition“.

Israel and USA

Thinking relatively prevents me from commenting about many things.
Right now, what has been paramount in the press and in my mind and even in conversations with Th, is Israel and, especially now, it’s relationship with the US and with Germany.
What is exciting for me is looking at both German language and English language news about it all—the settlement disputes. German TV has several very good videoblogs on their main television network websites, trying to clarify the row, trying to show what things are really happening.
Netanyahu claims Jews have been building Israel for 3000 years. Israelis participating in the settlement building ask why Obama thinks he can tell them where they cannot build. The US has every right to be involved in telling them what to do, as it is their tax money (and it was my tax money until 2004) that went to defending them and supporting them. I am against using blackmail to get governments to yield to US interests (2003 Bush administration requesting cooperation from Europe, targeting Germany as an ungrateful recipient of American support.) But, we STILL give millions to Israel. The American political (and military) orientation is still behind Israel despite the obvious conflict of interest for American soldiers in the nearby region, per Gen. Petranus)
Demonstrators and international human rights organizations protest in the newest settlement area and seeing the collision of Israeli and Palestinian citizens and activists is immediate. Israel seems to propose that they are „building“, but they are also taking people out of the homes that they themselves built decades ago.
The ARD correspondent asks a Palestinian women standing outside her now-occupied home and explains that she and her family are for living in peace and a two-state solution, but when things like this happen, what is she supposed to do and think. The correspondent them asks the Israeli young man standing inside the house gate what he thinks about what he has done. He simply says that it is a nice big house and turns to leave. The woman is told what the young Israeli has said about her home and she curses him and his family to the skies. This incident is a perfect example of what I imagine to be a constant tug back and forth of hope and hatred. How could one not hate the one who takes over your home and property, leaving you on the street. The sole reason this is possible is because one family is Palestinian and one is Israeli.
I am no expert, but this ... is plain to see

http://www.tagesschau.de/ausland/dossierzwischenmittelmeerundjordan100.html