Budapest Vermisst

These crazy memories in my mind..Budapest, Pannónia utca 34, rented bed, precious alone, self-pleasing, fantasies, and pretend. Foreplay around in my mind...
It's what I had/have in me...not so much the environment, the people, although they certainly play a role. My imaginings are better than reality? "Reality" eventually becomes mundane and belabored...

Now, trying to convince myself of my instincts--trust and producing.

Making conscientious blotches of ink in my notebook reminds me of college, Memphis. Mesmerizingly appalling or appealing? To the senses, to the loins. The things I used to write, confused and melodramatic...were they even honest? (Growing up in the music video culture, one never can be sure.)
So unknowing of my "place" or my needs, my body, my relevance. My relevance remains in question.
But, now I feel free... at least I trust myself against others.

Gargantua!!! The big blue foot in progress.

Appealing to the senses...parts, colors, a puzzle of signifiers. Badness, naughtiness are in me, but I am not a bad person. If I can create delight, I contribute to society. Baby steps, foot steps.
As we had the decision to either stay here or move to Saarbrücken, I realized that the only reason I wanted to move was for the sake of moving. I wanted to be replanted, even though I knew it would be difficult to "start over" and find myself in the new context again. What I have built here in Hanover took a lot of energy and desire, emotions, cursing.
I realized around this time every year, for the last three, I have moved. It's the season for moving. But, I want to stay in one place for now.

Big Blue Foot

I am making a big blue foot.
Chicken wire and papier maché.
Giant body parts scattered throughout the landscape. Bahktin made some amazing observations. Bodies, dismembered, it's not so different from how I actually feel in my own. Distractions, and then self-awareness. Ecstasy, hysterics, panic, needs...all of these are needed.
I will play with big body parts. Still have to make a big nose, a big ear, a big hand. Perhaps more. And then I must forge a relationship with them--the large body pieces, for they belong somewhere.